For talks about suicide in a way too casual and candid manner, which might make some readers uncomfortable.
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out to:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860
Now on with the show:
I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation my entire life. But because I’ve been trained to not make my problems other people’s problems, all of my plans have had to involve the cleanest death possible, just so as not to inconvenience anyone who might find my body.
In fact, I’ve literally planned out entire scenarios* where I would dig my own grave and kill myself in it. I’ve literally looked up the casket and burial codes in the different counties I’ve lived in just so that I could dig my grave to code (permits and everything!) so that whenever I crawl in it to have my final pill party, whoever finds me can simply kick the dirt back over me and go about their business. I even looked into making some kind of contraption that would bury me automatically attached to a timer so that my death would literally inconvenience no one.
But I’ve thought more about this lately, and it’s occurred to me that some of the main factors contributing to my suicidality are environmental. Especially when I’ve worked high stress minimum wage nonsense jobs while living in abandoned houses because I was too poor to afford to live anywhere that wasn’t completely falling apart and condemned and infested.
But I mean the whole reason I was in that situation was because:
- Rent is too expensive
- Landlords hold all the cards, despite contributing nothing to the actual production of the property (also, can anyone really “own” land? It was already there millions of years before us, and we contributed nothing to its existence. But then again, we come from a people who just loved placing their country’s flags in random plots of lands they happened upon, nevermind if there were already people there minding their own business).
- Cumbersome zoning Laws, like “no multifamily properties”, which would be more cost efficient, especially for low-income earners. Single-Family zoning not only prices low-income earners out of areas with more opportunities (all because some Karens decided they didn’t want to live next to the poor because it’s an “eye-sore” or something and might bring down the property value of her house because people apparently care about the type of people who might exist next door in our totally “free” country), but it also forces people farther out into the suburbs and exurbs, which requires more gas consumption and contributes to the destruction of our environment (but hey, Karen’s house sure looks swell through the thick layer of smog she helped make!)
- Housing discrimination. I once went to rent an apartment and the landlord was like “oh that’s funny, I was expecting a woman” when I went to view the apartment because of the name I used (I’ve had it legally updated). And then was just really eyeballing me the whole time, critical of my very existence. I did not get that apartment. I’m sure my presence there would have disturbed the other guests.
- Wages are too low
- Minimum wage hasn’t increased in over a decade, despite cost of living increasing dramatically.
- Unionizing is heavily discouraged, and in right-to-work states can be a fireable offense. This gives the employer all the cards when it comes to negotiating for wages, benefits, work conditions, etc.
- The super wealthy keep hoarding their wealth and keeping it from their employees, who are the actual creators of that wealth.
- Employment discrimination
- Education is too expensive
- Cost of tuition is too damn high!
- Time is money, and if you’re working 2-3 jobs, you can’t afford to take time off to go to school
And none of these things are going to change if we simply off ourselves quietly in the privacy of our own homes. Then people just say “oh it’s so sad that suicidality is going up in millennials, especially if they identify as LGBT blah blah blah” but they won’t actually do anything about it. They’ll just tell us to eat less avocado toast and deal with the hand we’ve been dealt.
And listen, I am by no means saying that you should kill yourself. Like sure, please go see a therapist regularly (ya know… if you can afford to blow hundreds of dollars a visit, despite money insecurity being one of your environmental stressors) and take your psych meds (ya know… if you have insurance that covers your routine visits and prescriptions. I pay out of pocket for my prescriptions but it’s fine. IT’S FINE!)
I’m just saying that if you already have your mind made up on doing the thing, then who am I to tell you not to do it? Am I gonna supplement your shit wage so you can afford to live a halfway decent life? Am I gonna lead a riot on Capital Hill and hold our congresspeople hostage until they start providing health insurance that involves psych care so you’ll be able to take your damn meds and talk to a therapist? Am I going to singlehandedly provide you with access to housing, employment protections, education, etc etc? No.
No, I am not. So who am I to tell you not to do the thing? In fact, I have half a mind to join you.
All I’m saying is that if you’re already intending on doing it, then you may as well make some noise on your way out. Let people fucking know! Find your local congressperson’s office, your mayor’s office, hell even find a city councilor, and blow your brains out all over their very nice suits that probably cost more than you make in a month.
Make your problems their problem. Go out with a bang. Have one final hoorah all over some unsuspecting piece of shit senator. Because nothing’s gonna change if we’re all taught to be so fucking polite, even in death. Because we’ve been taught that suicide is “cowardly” and “selfish”. But there’s nothing selfish about it! I don’t know, maybe if the living weren’t so selfish with their resources, we wouldn’t wanna kill ourselves in the first place!
So be loud. Be rowdy. The way our Founding Daddies intended! And who knows, maybe you’ll find that you dig being rowdy so much that you won’t even look forward to digging your own grave anymore. Because let’s face it: life is just so much more worth living when you’re so done caring about the sensibilities of others that your suicidal ideation shifts from dying quietly in your own grave so you don’t bother anyone, to giving everyone else PTSD over your trainwreck of a suicide because after all, you’re the one who’s in control.
And that’s really what it boils down to: control. We let society control us so much that we even care what they’ll think about our deaths (what the fuck will you care – you’ll be dead!) So stop it. Shift your attitude. Live your life (or end it) the way you want. Because again, you’re the one in control.
*Please don’t tell my therapist; I’ve been denying plan and intent and I intend to keep up the façade.**
**I’m kidding, I don’t have a therapist. You think I can afford that?!